Knitting Lady Parts to Save More than Half the World

Caroline Burau
Caroline Burau

I don’t generally go around saying how proud I am to be a Minnesotan, especially after the Jesse years, but today I’m positively bursting my buttons over a group of knitters from my very own home town of St. Paul.

Lead by Annie Modesitt (you betcha!), this group of middle-aged, mild-mannered, hotdish-loving Minnesota women founded a site called – read it slowly, now –, calling all knitters to send crocheted uteruses and vaginas to male lawmakers so that ours may be left alone. “Dear Men in Congress: If we knit you a uterus, will you stay out of ours?” they ask. Please check it out. It’s made of awesome and sprinkled with powdered sugar!

The site features detailed instructions on how you, too, can knit these lady parts (in a rainbow of colors!) and send them to the senator or rep of your choice with a note that reads: “Get your prehistoric laws out of my uterus. Better yet, here’s one of your own!”

(Warning: I’ll be using the word vagina several times in this rant. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. You can’t stop me.)

The whole thing is just so brilliantly passive aggressive and utterly Minnesotan it should have its own plaque behind the bar at the VFW. I haven’t wanted to learn to knit so badly since the advent of the Beardo.

It’s not that I actually have any desire to send crocheted girl bits to my own state leaders (doe-eyed, liberal Governor Mark Dayton has made no threats against my uterus that I am aware of and Senator Al Franken is . . . Al Franken), but I do have a long list of people I would like to send a variety of knitted items to, complete with special notes written directly from my heart and girl parts.

For the all-male birth control panel: Enclosed are a knit uterus and vagina for each of you. You should find them very agreeable, given that yarn can’t raise objections or even talk.

[ Also on Women’s Health Experts Speak Out ]

For Rush Limbaugh: Enclosed is your very own vagina, hand-spun from the finest steel wool. May all vaginas you encounter be this hospitable.

[ Please also see: Rush to Judgment ]

For Rick Santorum: Enclosed is a lovely, rosy, innocent, porn-free uterus. If it gets you all riled up, it’s still just a uterus, so that’s pretty much your issue. Feel free to ban it from your own house, but don’t be offended when you see two of them dangling from my rearview like big pink dice.

[ Also on Rick, the GOP, and a Whole Lot of Skirt-Flipping ]

For Mitt Romney: Enclosed is a lovely knit puppy named Karma. May it someday take you for a super-long trip strapped to the hood of its fast-moving car.

For Newt Gingrich: In light of your special arrangement with the missus, you’ll be receiving a really large box of knit vaginas and penises via UPS Ground.

For all employers who would actually choose to yank birth control from their employees’ insurance plans: Wait . . . why would you want to do that? Anyway, here are a bunch of baby booties. Here’s hoping for short maternity leaves.

[ Also see: What’s to Debate About Birth Control? ]

For House and Senate Democrats: I was originally going to knit you some very large balls to better equip you to point out the absurd in your opponents and to stop acquiescing to them even when you don’t have to, but realized that testicles are actually quite vulnerable to the elements compared to the more hardy uterus. Therefore, please carry these big, brass-colored girl parts in twos with you and remember that more than half your voters are waiting patiently for you to prove that you have a pair.

Please click here for more articles on by Caroline Burau.

Caroline Burau is a freelance writer in White Bear Lake, Minnesota, and author of Sugarfiend and Answering 911: Life in the Hot Seat. You can also follow her on Twitter (@carolineburau).


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