Stuff Moms with Toddlers Say

toddlers making mess
Vanessa McCafferty
Vanessa McCafferty

OK, I do like hummus and will often ask my husband to “do me a huge favor” such as tasting food I know has already turned sour.  If you’re in the dark, I’m referring to the You Tube sensation “Stuff Girls Say” hilariously exposing sayings often overused by women.  This video-gone-viral has since become a riotous trilogy with many spinoffs but with one glaring omission – the stuff moms with toddlers say.  Humor is a marvelous coping mechanism and I think in general a very healthy way to approach life. In fact, a recent research study out of Norway proved that adults who have a sense of humor outlive those who don’t find life funny.

In the spirit of pursuing a long healthy life, I have dedicated the last year-and-a-half to gathering the funniest comments made by moms with young children.

To our children:

No… No…. No….. No…. No…. No…. No!

Ouch! Please don’t bite mommy there!

Can you give Mommy a burp?

You’re OK, you’re OK…

No Angel, that’s the doggy’s food.

Gentle, gentle

Use your words

Now use your inside voice

Please take your hand out of Mommy’s shirt.

Last bite, OK now one more, OK last bite, one more…

I just don’t get why you won’t sleep? Mommy loves to sleep.

To/from other mothers:

How’d he do last night?

She’s tall for her age

I just want to feel like a person again

I have him down to two feeding a day

That’s great that your four day-old is already sleeping through the night.

I’m SO sorry, he’s never bitten anyone before!

My son spoke 250 words by age 1 (cue child picking his nose and eating dirt)

He was up at 3am and would not fall back asleep – I just don’t get it

His naps are all over the place…

I’ll text you when he wakes up

The baby loves sweet potato fries (mother to son eating ration 50:1)

I just don’t get why doesn’t he sleep?

To our husbands:

It’s your turn

Honey, can you please watch the baby. I’m just going to the bathroom (with 3

magazines, coffee and iPhone in hand)

Are you really taking the iPad to the bathroom? That’s disgusting.

Um…can you just..maybe you could try… never mind  I’ll do it…

You really didn’t hear the baby crying last night?

You have to wipe in the creases, too.

I just don’t get why doesn’t he sleep?

Though these statements may not solicit as many hits on You Tube, on good days – OK, when the kids sleep – Moms with toddlers also say and feel the following:

To our parents: I now finally get it. I don’t know how you did it. You were right. I strive to be as selfless, present, consistent and devoted as you were. Thank you.

naughty toddlerTo our children: I love you from a chamber of my heart that I didn’t know existed. I cherish every moment with you, the challenges as much as the precious.  There is nothing you can do that can ever make me love you less.

To our Mom friends: our long stroller walks, laughing cries , crying laughs, tandem breastfeeding sessions at Starbucks, your companionship and camaraderie make me love being a woman and mother.  You are the best and cheapest therapist I could ask for. I feel privileged that our children will grow up together.

To our husbands: some days I feel that we’re enduring Navy Seal Team 6 training together but I wouldn’t want to spend this journey fighting toddler terrorists with anyone but you.  Each time you make our son laugh or comfort him I fall more in love you with you.

Let’s not forget aunts, uncles, Godparents and even pets.  I don’t think we could be as fulfilled and effective as mothers without the humor and affection of all these people in our children’s lives.

But after all, we are still women and the “stuff” we say is a hard habit to break, so can you do me a huge favor? Can you read this and see if it makes sense? Listen to this e-mail. Do you know anything about computers? Like I’m not even joking right now.

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Vanessa McCafferty lives in Manhattan Beach, CA with her husband Colin, her son Nolan (16 months), and her mini Goldendoodle, Birdie (2).


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