Rick, the GOP, and a Whole Lot of Skirt-Flipping

Rick Santorum porn
Caroline Burau
Caroline Burau

Rick Santorum recently announced a “war against porn,” Rush Limbaugh’s war against “sluts” is well-documented, and the GOP’s war against birth control continues. We are about to pick the leader of this great democracy for the next four years, and it seems like all anybody wants to talk about is getting laid.

I’m pro-sex. Truly. I think it’s a super topic. But I wish to stop talking about it with politicians now. Please. Now. Rush? Stop. Rick? Zip it. There is a short list of men I’d really like to talk about sex with, and none of them is currently running for or holding public office. (By way of comparison, Benicio del Toro is on that list . . . twice. Also, that Thor dude from The Avengers.)

But sex is a terrific distraction, isn’t it? It sure beats talking about stupid, complicated . . . economics or public policy.

When I was a second-grader in Catholic school, I got into a playground argument with a boy who wanted to use the same football my friend and I were playing catch with. When “because I called it” failed to win his argument and all other means of negotiation had been exhausted, he finally just grabbed the hem of my uniform skirt and flipped it over my head. Then he tried, and failed, to grab the football.

This is how I feel about all the sex-talk going on among various lawmakers and candidates right now. In lieu of addressing the issues, these guys want to lift our skirts over our heads and talk about the color of our underpants.

Rick Santorum suddenly wants us all to believe strengthening our anti-obscenity laws would reduce incidents of violence and rape against women (despite evidence to the contrary). What does Rick believe to be obscene? Undoubtedly, this will be addressed at length in the next set of presidential debates.

The GOP suddenly wants to make sure that good, church-going corporate mucky-mucks get to have a say in whether their female employees get access to birth control. Enter the now-famous all-male birth control review to talk about girl parts at length.

Why all the sex talk? The alternative is simply too daunting. Voters actually want to talk about the price of oil, the rising cost of healthcare, and . . . for the love of God . . . jobs. Voters want to know about class sizes and college debt and international relations.

If fewer women have access to birth control, will that help lower the rate of unemployment? If Rick gets his way and all the porn in the world gets shipped to a really large, locked warehouse in a remote location only he has access to, will we achieve peace in the Middle East?

Thankfully, I was wearing shorts under my skirt that day on the playground, as I did every single day for eight years at that school. The only thing that knucklehead found out about me was that my mom had made me plaid shorts to match my skirt.

So, Rick, GOP, et al: think of us as immune to the skirt trick. Don’t try to talk to me about my girl parts, my birth control, or my underpants. Don’t try to distract me with talk of porn, sluts, videos, toys, or anything else you might be thinking about way too much. You’re not my gynecologist, my husband, or even a well-meaning clerk at Sex World.

You call yourselves “leaders.” Pick a real issue and get something done.

Click here for more articles by Caroline Burau.

Caroline Burau is a freelance writer in White Bear Lake, Minnesota, and author of Sugarfiend and Answering 911: Life in the Hot Seat. You can also follow her on Twitter (@carolineburau).


  1. Get over it!! Tell the liberal media to stop bringing it up. Oh yea Obama needs to get the message since he is bent on hell to keep it going so he doesn’t have to bring up his failed policies that he can’t run on. Obvioulsly, you didn’t hear the interview with dear ole George
    yesterday when he brought the subject up to Rick. Rick put him in his place and was right on target.

  2. Ahem…Mary? Yeah, Rick sorta started and posted his war on porn on his website…you know, voluntarily. Here, take a peek. http://www.ricksantorum.com/enforcing-laws-against-illegal-pornography. And Rush said the bad thing…voluntarily…for like 3 days. On his own show.

    But you are 100% right! Obama just keeps talking Republicans into starting porn wars so he can avoid his own horrible policies. You know, the one that brought the troops home from Iraq, decreased unemployment from 10% to 8.3% AND the one that killed Bin Laden. Who’d want a record like THAT following you around?!

  3. Next you are going to say it was all Bush’s fault, look at what he inherited. Yeah, let me see: A “aaa” rating, $1.79 gal a gas, 5.7% unemployment, 5.7 trillion deficit and the list goes on. That poor guy got a raw deal.

  4. The bottom line is this: The nomination process is over. Romney is the nominee. I would prefer that Santorum go ahead and get out but that is apparently not going to happen. If he does keep on, he needs to just talk about the issues that are important to him while he has the chance. He needs to quit attacking the nominee. If he continues to do this more and more people will come to the conclusion that he wants Obama to win so he can run in 2016.

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